Words by Chloe Chow
POST MIDTERM SEASON CHAMPAGNE SORBET
“Champagne for my real friends, real pain for my sham friends.” -Francis Bacon
-250 ml sugar
-8 tablespoons of lemon juice
-250 ml sparkling water
-450 ml champers
-2 tablespoons of honey or agave syrup
-A smattering of gold flakes for that Fancy AestheticTM
Heads up, this is a little tart (heh) so adjust the lemon juice to taste.
Because life is an endless bout of suffering and because most of us don’t own an ice cream maker, we’re going to be making this sorbet by hand. Aaaaaand here’s where I lose most of my readers (do I even have readers? Or am i shouting into the void (again)?)
For those of you who don’t shy away from hand-churning activities, first mix together the sugar, 2 tablespoons of lemon juice, and sparkling water. Then beat in the honey, because life is better when things are sweeter ;) Add the sugar syrup concoction to the champagne and remaining lemon juice. Pour the witchy brew into a freezer-safe container and freeze for 1 hour. Drink the remaining champagne while you wait, and get ready for that bombass New Year’s Eve party that you’re going to (if you’re not going anywhere, turn on the TV and take a sip everytime Kathy Griffin makes a fool out of herself on national television). Now, this is where you’ll have to do the brunt of the work - lift that good looking hand of yours and whisk the sorbet mixture every hour a few times. The mixture will be super pathetic-looking for the first hour, but don’t lose heart. Remember puberty? It’ll be worth it friend! Not only is this a fun recipe, this is also a motivational speech about perseverance and patience! The sorbet is going to freeze more and more each time, just like how you become colder and colder as a person each year, you beautiful bitch. If your hand gets tired, you clearly don’t know how to have fun. Anyway, stop when you judge the consistency to be icy enough. Sprinkle on those gold flakes for all that you’re worth! This Champers sorbet won’t store well, so consume A$AP Rocky; I don’t expect that to be a problem :) Auld Lang Syne!